San Marcos Mexican Restaurant, Caledonia, MI

On Father's Day, 2008, the McGuire family decided to try out a new Mexican restaurant. Alright, so it was more of a matriarchal executive decision-- getting Dad to confess what he wants to do for Father's Day is a monumental task, so after three consecutive days of "Do you want to ______?", it was decided that we would just Go Out To Eat. There was a new Mexican joint in town, and the family had been aching to try it before it met it's death, the eventual fate of all businesses that try to make home base in that particular building. So to San Marcos we went.

There were high hopes for this restaurant experience, which initially seemed valid. The decor is, as Kari would say, "homey"-- the walls in brushed goldenrods and warm brown, a beautiful Face Sun on the kitchen wall and scrawling pale blue floral patterns, obviously hand-painted with love. A dark wood bar in the front across from a dark wood partition makes the front entryway a little, well, dark and claustrophobic. However, it opens immediately into a medium-large dining room with plenty of windows and airspace, and plenty of spacing between the tables. Maybe too much spacing, actually-- the booth tables (fortunately not bolted to the floor, since you will need to adjust it) are a little too short and narrow for the booths. The chairs for the freestanding tables are, as Kari pointed out, like "you'd find in a church, you know-- kind of cheap looking". So perhaps not the most comfortable of dining experiences, but you can console yourself and your derriere by gazing at the pretty walls.

We were seated immediately, but considering that there were only two other busy tables in the establishment, you really couldn't expect any less. Immediate thoughts on opening the menu were... how the hell do they cook all of this? There were, at a conservative guess, 75 items on the menu, 25 of which were labeled "new". Our main question: how many "new" things can you have on a menu when your whole restaurant is only 30 days old? A question which was never answered, largely because we forgot all about it when we saw the prices. The average price for a dish was $10, with the most expensive item at $15. Now maybe we've been spoiled, but our idea of the price for a little Mexican restaurant is 5 or 6 dollars a dish. The cheapest thing on this menu was 3 dollars... but it was a hotdog. I ask you.

It was a confusing hunt for food, particularly since some of the combos seemed to be the same thing... just written in a different order. After much searching through the overloaded menu (which was quite a feat, the menu being a crowded mess with grainy pictures taking up some much-needed space) we found what we wanted-- well, alright, Kari wanted a steak, but we made her choose something under $10. The waitress was ready immediately and remained very courteous throughout our entire meal. The meal itself, however...

After munching a bit on some stale chips and a fairly decent salsa (the cilantro was fresh at least, which was the most that could be said for the experience), the food arrived. All four of our dishes arrived at the same time, which was exactly five minutes after we'd ordered. Normally this is a mark in a restaurant's favor, but considering how the food came out, we're pretty convinced it all came prepackaged and was sloppily heated for us. Everyone's food was lukewarm at best. Ironically, the plates had to be handled with oven mitts.

Mom: Cheese enchilada. It arrived completely cold, which isn't surprising since it was out of the kitchen inside of five minutes. It had a spicy sauce, and didn't necessarily taste bad, but it certainly wasn't good. She doesn't recommend it.

Dad: Combo #3. Enchilada, chorizo tostada, and a taco. The enchilada was bland and cold, the chorizo might as well have been hamburger, and he didn't even touch the taco. That's probably for the best, since the hardshell was collapsing under the weight of the grease by the time we were boxing it up twenty minutes later.

Kari: Combo #25. Burrito, taco, beans, and rice. It was lukewarm, and bland. The refried beans with cheese was completely congealed by the time they got to the table. At first she thought she might like at least the burrito, but then the aftertaste killed it.

Alanna: Combo #8. Burrito, taco, and rice. When the plate arrived, I assumed that the orange-ish liquid next to my burrito was some kind of sauce-- I was wrong. It was all of the grease from the burrito, and it took up literally a third of the plate. The rice was overcooked to mush, and so underflavoured that even the liberal application of hot sauce couldn't get it to register on my tongue. Like Dad, I left the taco well enough alone, and mine actually melted.

Within 25 minutes we were out of there, and already starting to feel ill. We paid $37 to be served sub-par, flavourless, greasy food. We would have been better off eating at Taco Bell-- and if that doesn't tell you to stay away, nothing will.

--Written by Alanna